Do you ever find yourself in a situation where it feels uncomfortable or challenging to just be yourself?
That could be a sign your secondary energy is taking over.
It’s exhausting to feel self-conscious and to second-guess everything you say or do. Let’s look at the reasons why this is happening and what you can do about it. Showing up and expressing your true self will help you be happier and healthier, one moment at a time.
Have you started Dressing Your Truth? Begin today!
More resources to support your Secondary Energy
Such a helpful video! I’m most comfortable with my best mate – He is a t3 as well, but secondary t2 (I’m pretty sure). Least comfortable with immediate family, esp parents. I default to my secondary t4, although they criticise me that way as well. I prefer to just shut down around them as I feel in emotional and physical danger if not. It’s refreshing being around my t3 mate, because we get a lot done although he takes care of the details :).
Hmmm. I feel very certain my secondary is a 1 with my T3. I look back on my childhood and I am not sure I tried to lighten it up so much as tried to not make things worse. I called for help a few times when my parents were fighting (that ended badly! oops) My sister, who I believe is a T4/3 was the one who would stand up and fight back. I just tried to blend in to keep everyone calmer, which makes me thing S2 but I just do not have any real softness to myself.
I think that blending in and trying to lighten the mood is somewhat natural to type 1’s in the situation of a fight because as 1’s we sort of absorb the energy around us and it makes us uncomfortable and so we just step back from it. Of course I don’t really know type 1 in secondary form very well so I guess that’s up to you. Don’t know if that helped any haha 🙂
Phaedra, First… what a lovely name! And thank you! You have given me a perspective I hadn’t thought of. 🙂
Thank you, Carol. This was so helpful. As I am going through my journey and realizing the whats and whys of me, I realize I either shut down or play peacemaker, depending on the situation. I finally told my husband of almost 30 years I am not doing a large thanksgiving dinner or any more large dinner parties and catering to others, except for him and my son (to a reasonable extent). It is too exhausting, emotionally. Also, playing a peacemaker and diffusing uncomfortable situations between coworkers, as well as losing our jobs soon (department changes), all have taken its toll on my physical and mental health. I have been using my T3S4 energy this past year to prepare for a new career. I am grateful for your insight, and I am finally, at 53, learning it’s ok to be me!
It’s a wonderful age to discover and honor who you truly are at any age. I was like you, Rebecca. I learned about DYT at the same age and have been doing it now for 7 or 8 years.?? I lose count – it feels like I’ve always known – and if you read “Remembering Wholeness” by Carol – I guess we all really did always know lol. I’m so happy for you.
“Awareness allows another choice” I love that! That is a very useful piece of advice. Thanks carol!
Thank you for this. I have been pondering this very question. Sometimes I feel like I am always efforting. I know it’s just a matter of recognizing those effortLESS times as opposed to dwelling on the times it takes effort. I’m pretty sure that is where I have gone wrong with typing myself. I have spent too much time TRYING to be each type (telling myself, “well I must be this other way because I was shamed, so now I have to force myself to be who I truly am”). It’s exhausting and confusing! I just recently landed on type one, and had such mixed emotions. It felt good and happy, but also scary and I got very explosive (either really happy or snapping). I was trying to decide if it was because I was working through shame, or because I had mistyped myself. Now- I think it may have been because I was trying too hard to fit the type one mold instead of being my true, unique type of one. Again- thanks.
Thank you for this Carol! I was struggling with this concept. I feel most myself when I’m around my two best friends–type 2 and type 4. I am extroverted and laughing so much my cheeks hurt. I am least myself around my family and at my job, where I feel I need to present a certain image. I am very still and quiet and insecure. I would love to accomplish being my natural self in all environments!
Being a type 1/2, I adapt to everyone I’m with. I just can’t even help it. The only people I’m totally myself with is my husband and son. But when I’m around everyone else- if they are expressing yang energy- I match it with my yang energy… When they are more yin, I match it with my yin… How can a type one determine if they are a Yin-Dominant Type One or a Yang-Dominant Type One?
Yep, I understand…
I find that I am most myself at home. I am a 4/3. It is so comforting for me to come home and just be me. When I am around certain people (especially my family) I find that I actually exhaust myself trying to be more “2ish.” That sounds ridiculous, but that is what my family expected of girls. I find myself avoiding people and situations where I can’t be myself. I always thought it was that I just didn’t measure up. I would always try to be more perfect, but end up feeling like a failure. I am thankful for this teaching. Carol always has such great insight.
I have no reference to a time in my life when I wasn’t wounded. I was given up for adoption (abandonment) three days after I was born. During the months before I was adopted out, I was neglected and not cared for properly. So much so that by the time my parents adopted me, the doctor was concerned I wouldn’t make it through the week. Later, in my twenties (long before DYT), I met my birth-mother and asked about my birth. The only thing she could recall was that I was extraordinarily active, much more so than any of the other babies. I just moved and wiggled the whole time. Later, in a separate conversation, my birth-grandmother volunteered that I had the strongest legs on a baby that she’s ever seen and that I almost flipped myself over. These two accounts of my high movement are the only information I have about myself before I was wounded. I have always known myself to be quiet and reserved- leading me to initially think I was a T2 or T4. I eventually landed on T4, but… there is serious doubt and worry that perhaps I’m taking refuge in my secondary because I don’t know any different. And yes, I do many of your healing exercises you offer here. And I do them often. I want to live my truth, but I worry that my true self is so deeply repressed that I will never know it.
Hi Indie. I’m so sorry to hear your story. I too was abandoned, only emotionally, by my mother, and so I always felt that there was something wrong with me. I was also very angry that I was forced to be born when I was not wanted in the first place. Another healing resource you might want to look into is the book Feelings Buried Alive Never Die… by Karol Truman. I know it’s helped me a lot, so I just wanted to share it with you. Much love to you on your journey <3
Thank you Amanda! I will definitely check that book out.
Feelings Buried Alive Never Die is a great book. I also like listening to Abraham Hicks on Youtube.
yes, yes, yes. also want to know)
And also- how do we know if we are a Yin-dominant or a Yang-dominant type one??
Type 1’s are always yang dominant as Type 1 energy moves outward first.
Funny that I feel most myself when I have a vision, the space to fulfill it, and get to see the results! I love creating big events, but I must come across in small groups not having the confidence because I am often run over and ignored if my ideas are counter to someone with a louder voice or who is holding onto how it’s always been done. I have seen this pattern repeat though I keep taking on the leadership roles that put me in this position. I am determining whether I need to choose leadership opportunities where I get to plow ahead unimpeded or whether these are all learning opportunities for me to gradually show more and more of myself and work on building my confidence and owning my primary T3 energy. I shut down and go inward when some women are cruel, opinionated, or self-centered. Thank you for helping me recognize what is happening, as that is the first step.
Dena, I can relate to this. To be fair, leadership of a big event by definition has opposition and/or inertia to move through. I promise it’s not just you T3 sister! Men and women can behave badly. I would love to see a big project delivered without conflict but I haven’t seen it yet. Some combination of my S2 and early upbringing make me want to “be nice” and truly the kindest thing we can do is be fact-based and keep moving forward.
Yes, I have done so many personal growth courses etc .. Bob proctor training, Erickson int’l coaching program (on site – 3 full wks, certificate), facilitator, train the trainer, NLP … on & on it goes, the bottom line is when I speak with passion & inspiration, as I often do – if someone questions me or goes against what I say .. I have a challenging time trying to make good, sensible come backs to speak ‘sway them’. I retreat … has been EXTREMELY puzzling to me. I thought I wanted to speak on overcoming obstacles & adversities but how can I when I don’t seem to be confident enough to keep my message when others don’t agree ..?? I speak with passion & inspire but don’t feel that’s enough … very strange ! I shut down & go inward often too b/c my inspired, passionate beliefs are challenged … WoW!
I have said for 2 decades now … I feel like a thoroughbred race horse that wants to run but doesn’t know WHERE to go. I will continue to search inside myself & have faith that this work will help reveal to me – you’ll all be the first to know when that happens !!
Hi Stephanie, I totally relate to everything you wrote here! I’m curious what your energy type is? I’m a T1 (I think). And I had an experience a few months ago, maybe for the first time, where I had some challenges and criticisms at a talk I gave, and I was able to just hold my ground. It was a powerful thing to experience. I love your analogy of a racehorse who wants to run…. I feel something like that, like I have something to unleash, but not sure of how.
Great video! I have spent most of my life living in my secondary. I’m not totally sure on my primary but I think I’m an S4. Since I was about 30 I have felt like I wasn’t myself, like I was living someone else’s life. I even would say to myself I felt like a child. I wouldn’t dare say that out loud to anyone because it didn’t make sense, not even to myself. But, since DYT it makes perfect sense. I have spent most of my life not living my true self. I hope I can figure out my type soon. It’s been a frustrating two years trying to make sense of it. But I do feel better knowing I’m not crazy, that there is a reason I have felt “off” for all this time.
When I am truly ‘not efforting’, is when I am around the grandchildren —- so much fun just playing. When I am ‘efforting’ is when I am around my adult children and sister – wow. And yes, physical dis-ease has manifested because of overwhelm-ment – and I soooooo want to get my body back into balance and alignment with my core truth. I want to go run up and go down slides again and run around and feel great. This 63 year T1 is so tired of having to play it safe. Thanks for your help. Set me free.
Pat, I soooo get you! I too and a type 1. It was squashed by my Type 3 Step Mom. My birth mom was a type 1. she died when I was 2. My type 3 step mom drove us to produce results. I thought I was a type 3 at first. It’s amazing the impact this has had on my health- severe adrenal dysfunction – for years. Unfortunately, I never had the opportunity to have my own children. Perhaps I would have been able to develop my Type 1 earlier in life. However, I was a very successful professional women, until I met and married my husband (a widower) at the age of 40. he had 3 teens. (just a bit of stress there;)
Now I have the blessing of 5 grandchildren- and yes, when I”m around my grandchildren I have a ball, playing, running, jumping, slides and I’m my authentic self.
I notice that when I’m around one of my step-daughters that I am doing exactly what Carol described. She’s a type 3, and has been very disrespectful to me – repeatedly (that’s another issue). However, I can finally be myself when I’m off playing with her children. That feels much better!! Isn’t it fascinating that it takes us this long to find our authentic energies.
I keep passing along Carols books to people I know and love – praying that others will get to live their authentic energy!!
I am so glad you put this video up. I am a type 1-4 and lately I have been going into my secondary type 4 a lot. It probably has lot to do with being home mostly by myself all day. Another thing could be that I have anxiety which tends to bring out my secondary 4. I feel most at home with my close friends and most family members. I struggle some of my family on my dad’s side because they don’t really know how to talk to us. I interect more with their pets.
Carol, thank you for another super helpful video!! I notice myself flipping around my mother, my administrators and with a set of friends I am not sure I can be me around. I do EXACTLY what you described – I think about what I am saying, how I am presenting myself, worried I will say the wrong thing, leave the wrong impression. I hold back a ton of ideas that, especially at work, are always flooding my mind as I run through my day as I have a job that requires problem solving in the moment. Unless I am comfortable in how I will be perceived I hold my tongue and wonder when it is safe to share. I mistyped myself T4 because this happens so often and then there is the constant reflection after these interactions – how did that go? did I say the wrong thing? have I upset them? have I created a new problem? Where my ideas heard/stupid/worthy? This also had me questioning T2 worry but I am higher energy type. I also have what I believe to be a 1/4 friend who just lights up when she lets herself be more carefree and playful, but at work she does not feel it is appropriate, and yet I have seen some amazing T1 people living true to their playful, animated selves at work and it lightens the entire environment! I also notice that there is only so long that I can be in my S4 – if I feel my ideas are not heard, that my desire for change and action to solve a problem or contribute to the community or advocate for a child fall on deaf ears I get feisty. I can start to “feel” that push inside of me. I become very dissatisfied with work and do more ranting/venting to release. I need more exercise when I am not being myself through the day. I avoid those people that seem to react to my bigger energy – if I feel I cause them to be uncomfortable when I am around. There really is not much that will stop a T3 push!! It is going to show itself 🙂 Thank you again Carol, you make such a difference!!
I have seen this video before and thank you for re-sharing, as it is of great worth. This is a confirmation to something I recently had insight on personally. My mom and sis who are very strong 3/4 & 4/3 had an unfair falling out with me earlier this year. Recently my mom needed my help with a health issue at the hospital. I am the only sibling in state so it defaulted to me. Being in her strong presence made me realize that I was stiff, silent, still, with straight spine and tightness to the point of physical pain. I was in T4 mode and I realized I hadn’t been in that mode the entire time when I hadn’t been in her life. I actually had to collapse each night and take muscle relaxers, which I hadn’t had to do for months. Also, I have been really down the past few months having to be so solitary due to my brain surgery recovery and I realized lately that such solitary confinement was making me worse, so I began walking and getting outside and it was my only saving grace. So, I’m thinking T4 for me may be too heavy for me. When I went to last Dec event “with my mom” who was very much against profiling, I was stiff and in stillness mode around my mom and thought I am a T4. Even as a 50 year old I didn’t realize I was trying to be a good girl around my mom. I just want to be happy and healthy and enjoy my life.
Hi Heather, I can relate to everything you just wrote. My mom is also a 4/3. My dad is a 4/2. My mother in law is a 4/2 and my father in law is a 4/3. Talk about being stiff and perfect and trying to be a good girl… Every authority figure in my life is a type four. (I can’t believe I still think of them as authority figures- I’m 46 years old!!) You wrote the perfect words to describe how I feel. Thank you for expressing your thoughts so clearly. You may not know it, but it helps a lot of people who may be going through the same thing. It’s just nice to know that there’s other people out there who feel the same way and learning how deal with it.
Thank you so much for your response. Makes me smile and get over some of my fear to share the truth.
I can relate to both of your stories except that in some ways mine is the opposite. Being a ‘happy, bouncy, energetic people person’ is honoured in my family. I was always described a s a ‘placid, quiet, easy baby’, my mother tells stories of me having a friend over to play where we ended up in opposite corners of my room, reading. These stories are told affectionately but with a ‘you’re so odd’ vibe. I grew up being teased (again they saw it as affectionately) for being ‘different’. I have always described myself as ‘boring’ and seen myself as a failure because, while I can be that person, it doesn’t feel ‘real’. I just want to be quiet and left alone. I’m pretty sure my mother, the dominant force in our family, is 1/3 or maybe 3/1. She ‘twinkles’ and is constantly on the move. My youngest brother is similar in personality and she loves it when he comes home because she says the house just lights up when he is there. I have always wanted things to be perfect in a household of ‘be practical, stop fussing, you’ll never achieve that so stop being silly’. One year I was so proud of my perfectly wrapped Christmas presents but everyone else just seemed uncomfortable with them. I never did it again. And writing this I can see that I often deliberately do things ‘in a rush’ so that a) they can’t be perfect and b) so I have an excuse. Wow, writing this I can see how I have self-sabotaged so many activities where giving myself time to perfect it would have been much more successful. The message I received was always that ‘perfection was undesirable’ that it made people uncomfortable and made you a bit more unloveable. Wow. Thanks for sharing and helping me see this. I feel stunned.
It’s sad that you don’t feel safe to give yourself time to perfect something because of your family’s disapproval- it goes against your true nature… I hope that now you can see that it IS OK to take ALL the time you need to perfect whatever you want!! I wish I could wrap presents well- I am terrible at it! That’s one thing about type fours- they are SO GOOD at wrapping presents and I always wished I could be like that! I don’t even have to sign my name to my gifs because the wrapping is so terrible that everyone knows it came from me. (I’m a type one) But the bottom line is that it really shuts you down whenever ANY natural gift of yours is deemed “undesirable.” My wrapping is deemed undesirable and unacceptable because it’s NOT perfect like my type four mother in law and sister in law. I’ve pretty much figured out that I am not acceptable to them period- so I let my husband deal with his family and I deal with mine. Thankfully, it doesn’t come between us (my husband and me) because our relationship is more important than keeping our extended family pleased and satisfied. This Christmas- wrap the heck of out those gifts, Michele!! It’s who you are and you should be proud to be YOU! 🙂
If I really delve into my childhood, I had too many times where I was yelled at to be quiet and shished by so many of my peers that there was no way to express myself fully. Then I would have to be 1/2. I’ve had to live within my Type 2 energy most of my life to make everyone else happy, and that hasn’t made me happy. I would get bullied for either Type. And sometimes I try to act like a 4 to just be left alone. There’s a lot of things I still need to go through and resolve in my past, but this does make me wonder if I really am just a Type 1 with a strong Type 2?
I just got retyped from 2/1 to 1/2, so I think this is me. I have lived solidly in 2. Never questioned it as my primary. And when I was younger, well before DYT, I really tried to be Type 4, so I guess 2 was as close as I could get. I don’t yet feel like an outward energy person.
I’m also curious about this, as I was thinking about my secondary taking over, and I’m still not sure if my secondary is 1 or 3. I actually feel like both 1 and 3 can take over at times, and since only one of them is my secondary, the other must be the tertiary. My primary Type is 2, and lately, since I’ve been stretched a little thin, I’ve been doing more things in a less prepared and more spontaneous way (S1?). Also, since I’ve been stretched a little thin, I’ve been pushing myself pretty hard (S3?). Yesterday before I even saw this post I reached a point where I might have normally dug deep and pushed myself, but I just had this feeling of “Ugh–I’ve had enough for one day! No more pushing!”
The strangest thing happened. I posted a heartfelt message on this video and it was up for a couple of days and now it’s not showing. I was trying to upload my profile picture and hope I didn’t erase it. Please let me know if you took it off for some reason. Thank you.
Deborah, this is Kathy from Carol’s support team. I have been searching for any other post from you. I do apologize, but I am not finding anything. We have not deleted any posts from you.
20 years ago, I attended a Calling and Caring workshop, where we learned about “life commandments”. I identified mine as “always be busy, or at least look like you’re busy”. I laughed about that, and never thought about it again.
Fast forward to 18 months ago, and being introduced to DYT. I have had a difficult time typing myself, identifying as a type 3 at first, and then after 8 months I switched to type 1. I’ve run into a road block as a type 1 just recently too, after another 8 months! But I felt like I was all out of types then, because I must be a high movement! I do so much, and accomplish so much, and all that, but really what I’ve been going by in typing myself is a little habit I have.
As a child, I felt like I was being lazy if I wasn’t active all the time. I got into the habit of having an activity near me, so I could switch over and look like I was working whenever I needed to. I also had a book hidden in the bathroom, and near all my quiet spots, so I could steal a few minutes to read fiction.
As an adult, and stay at home mom, I continued this this habit, and developed it into a jumpy reflex . I jump most at the sound of the back door opening. Just as Carol says in this video, I’d already begun to admit this out loud, and had learned to laugh about it, just so my husband and children know that it’s my problem, and isn’t really their fault. They see me jump off the chair and go do the dishes when the back door opens, and I tell them, ” sorry, it’s just something I do, lol” “Here I go again, lol!” I have a large family, and most of them work at home on our farm, so the back door opens a lot. I do this so much that I have been thinking is my dominant energy. I said, ” I’m active/reactive! I must be type 3,” and later, “I must be bouncy, so I’m type 1!” But I’m really not either of those if no one is coming.
This video is the first time I’ve been able to consider what might actually be happening here! I think I might have a breakthrough soon, about who I really am. This process of showing up as myself is already begun, and I’ve been able to see other areas where I’m efforting myself rather than just being me. I’ve already been led to the conclusion that I can dress however I want, and don’t HAVE to dress type 1, which says that I’m probably longing for something different anyway. I love this! Thanks so much for another amazing video, Carol.
You story is very interesting Yolanda, I hope you continue it soon… Good luck with your journey 🙂
Wow, I do the exact same thing. I always feel like I must be busy or look busy. I hear a door, I jump too. As soon as my kids come home from school or my husband comes home from work, I start working on little tasks, or wiping down my counters, etc. I feel guilty when I am relaxing, watching TV or reading a book. I have wondered lately if it is just an old pattern I have been running since childhood. My parents were always doing something around the house. It was frowned upon to just sit around and do nothing. I am also a stay at home mom. I always feel like I need to justify being home and not earning an income. I want to make sure i look like I am working hard and pulling my weight. I have also struggled with typing myself. I am thinking that I am a lower movement (2 or 4), with my secondary being a higher energy. I can move fast and get a lot done, but it comes in bursts. It feels forced to continually “go” all of the time. I cannot sustain that high energy. Thanks for sharing this, it was a big help and a comfort to know that someone else does this too.
I hear ya.. I can also get a lot done but it comes in BURSTS. I often feel lazy (very T2 I think). I am positive I am T2 (sensitive, moody, Need to be validated, comfy clothes etc.. is utmost importance… I also push myself often to do my sales, I AM outgoing, friendly, easy to get slong eith – but often have to push myself – it has not been a fulfilling career but I have done very well .. that’s not cutting it for many yrs. now) not sure about secondary but thinking T3 or 4 b/c I like to dress more in those styles (not so much colours, don’t really love some of the 2 colours though – find boring & dowdy)) I like coloured jean jackets, also very much clean lines, simple/minimal, elegant but light bits of funky, fun, edgy. I am SO turned off by T2 dressing that I think I must have adapted – I have had a LONG career as a sales rep, when I started & many yrs. in to it, it was VERY male dominated industry.. I was the only female of 135 reps in Canada in my 1st multi nat’l company – 1980, I was 21…
I continue to like no fuss, no muss, clean lines .. thinking I am really in a spot .. got DYT MANY yrs. ago – go with most of colours.. I am believing I am compromising my dominant energy – I have stayed at a career for 30 + yrs. that is not bringing my joy or fulfillment & have been stuck in WHAT do I do that will bring me happiness /purpose .. tried every type of personal growth I can think of .. big time – have grown a lot however it brings more discomfort b/c I am more aware …
I believe THIS is a big part of OWNING who I am – becoming authentic & I will be more at ease with discovering & claiming what I will do moving forward to bring purpose, meaning, joy, lightheartedness in my life ..
THIS IS TRULY AN AHA moment – work to do & as a T2, I like to leave all else behind & research this right now .. but it will take time & with awareness & openess – will reveal itself to me … I am welling up & truly emotional right now but it is a good thing … thank you.
@stacy_wenger:disqus, I could have written this, almost word for word!
@@stacy_wenger:disqus You’ve articulated my situation too, only it pertains to just when my DH is around. Both my son and I “slack off” when DH is out of the house – he is highly focused on T3 getting stuff done. And he feels like he has to look productive in front other people as well. I take micro breaks during the day to check FB groups, read online news, stare out the window, get a snack etc. That’s how I protect my lower energy.
wow! I needed this video, it became real clear to me once you said to think about times in my past when I let my secondary take over. Two things, first people that have more authority than me such as executives, or when I was younger it would be parent/mom or older siblings. The second trigger was when I was a child we had an unstable home life, so I was often scared and lacked confidence this has happened as an adult if I feel unsure of a situation my secondary will take over.
Before DYT I use to think that this was just me being fake. Being one way with some people and another way with others. But now I’ve realized that I just don’t feel safe with others, thanks to this video! I remember looking back at pictures of when I was younger and I couldn’t help but cry at how happy I looked back then. But then middle school started and I was teased a lot for being overweight, I remember that I started dressing in black and looking angry all the time just so people wouldn’t bother me…but that didn’t really work because then I got teased for dressing like that. So…I know I get triggered in school settings but I also get triggered around family. I don’t know why but I’ve always felt like I was the odd one in the family..and still do to this day lol but the only times I feel like im really being me is when Im home alone and when Im around my husband. The only way I can describe it is being playfully but it’s not “light. Im going to be honest, my favorite thing to do is to tickle him because I love hearing him laugh, but I’ve been told by him many times that I play rough lol.
I CERTAINLY don’t feel safe around my mom (only blood relative left alive). She is such a negative, controlling (trying to control b/c she has no control ..) martyr type person. I go into visits with her with my ‘teflon jacket’ on but it does seep in .. I have started taking SOME power vpback by saying when I visit I won’t stay at her place anymore (VERY toxic) I stayed at friends last visit & spent the day/early eve. with mom so I could go to good place with support … I can’t do anything to help my mom (in her opinion) but I know I am doing the best I can while working at staying true to my authentic self … I know my playing the martyr, no matter how small a role, that gets rubbed off from her – is NOT acceptable to me. At 60 now I am looking to claim MY life so when she is gone I am living my best self – not still trying to do the work …
this also means my husband knows I am claiming my power & it is in all areas so .. he is seeing it in our relationship. He’s a bit surprised by my boldness & claiming my voice but he is also very happy for me & accomodating … ❤️
Stephanie we must have the same mother. Mine turns 91 this year and I decided six years ago I must NEVER stay in her house again. She, of course, will never forgive me for that. I was trained to please her, yet she will not be pleased. I have to tell myself that frequently or I’ll start trying to call her again (she hangs up as soon as she knows it’s me).
I’m praying we can both find ourselves in our sixties and reclaim the joy that was ours all along — we just didn’t know it was there.
Thanks for sharing your “real” experience.
This video described me to a “T”. I get around my in laws and this is what I do. I’m constantly worrying if I’m going to say the wrong thing, that I’m going to offend someone, or that I am not going to show someone how I truly feel about them. It’s exhausting!! Now that I know I am a 2/1, I know that its okay for me to sit there and just be me and not have to worry about being the life of the party. I have fun and laugh and be silly but its okay if I’m not. This video truly helped me and I’m grateful for this because I now don’t have to try and change myself. I always thought I needed to change and DYT has given the permission to just be instead of seeing myself as a project. Thank you Carol!
Crystal, this is Kathy from Carol’s support team. You are so welcome!
So glad to see this discussion after arriving home from ILML event where I asked Carol a question on this subject. I’m refining ME and wondering where my S3 is supporting me and where I need to learn how to effectively offer a T2 response. It doesn’t seem possible to be effective if I never step out of T2 mode in some leadership & career scenarios. I laugh at myself bec when I think I’ve been TOO T3 in a situation and ask others how I came across, they always say something like, “What?? You were not too demanding at all!” All the while I’ve been obsessing over the conversation and feeling like I was too much. I know Carol will say, “If you are uncomfortable it means you’ve stepped out of your T2ness when you could have comfortably, effectively stayed in it.” It’s the “effectively” part I am struggling with; how can I be effective staying in T2 mode all of the time? Carol and Cathy both gave me great tools to implement – The “spotlight & throw my energy” tool and the “ask questions instead of stating an opinion” tool. I will def practice those, thank you! (Are any other T2s conflicted bec they act/respond as T3 or T1 a fair of the time?) I totally relate to Cathy’s response from 4 days ago; I feel the same way!
Connie, I have similar experiences to those you mention. It’s made me even consider if I’m a type 2 after all (I’m pretty sure now, though…as sure as a T2 gets!). I recently remembered something Anne said in one video: that, when pushed or rushed, type 2s may appear rigid. That was an aha for me, as there have been periods in my life when some people around me were surprised, when they got to connect with me, because I was not as rigid or unapproachable as I had seemed to them. I remember thinking then: cold? Unapproachable? That’s not me! But I admit sometimes I used that “armour” counsciously to protect myself from others.
On the other hand, when T2s deny our emotions or try to repress them, we can get emotional outbursts, right?
It makes sense if you think of a river: you can’t push a river! Neither can you “repress” it. Well, you can build a reservoir (I don’t know if it’s correct in english) but it will be artificial anyway. And it can break…and then comes the flood!
Connie, I am exactly in that place. I think I’m 2/3, but having come from an oppressive upbringing, I’m not positive. One thing I do know — T2 never got me success, or saved from bullying. I don’t have a clue how to be a T2 around obstinate people.
Another thing, I find myself rehearsing (internally) T3 behavior and responses. I really want to bite someone’s head off! And sometimes I achieve that and hate that I’ve treated someone the way I certainly don’t want to be treated and yet I know how effective it has been with me. I am totally cowed by aggression.
I just got the books in the mail yesterday — I’ll start reading this weekend and hope to figure things out. 🙂
This is a great video – thank you Carol. Sadly, it describes a lot of my life, feeling afraid to be myself and efforting. I am T1 with T2 secondary. I am aware that this pattern started in my family and now repeats in group settings when I feel inadequate. I really appreciate the framework for looking at this as a matter of my secondary type 2 energy taking over and causing me to be more introverted. I know I hid a lot in my family out of fear of criticism. I will keep noticing the places where I feel myself, usually places where I feel confidant and with smaller groups of peoplen or one on one.
I’m with you Lesley. Growing up, my Type 1 energy was squashed and not appreciated much. As a coping mechanism, I defaulted to my Type 2 secondary and I’ve done this after becoming a mother. I didn’t realize this until recently, but when I got home on Friday night, just walking up to the front door, I felt all my T1 energy slip away and the mask of T2 take over. I felt drained, exhausted, and a pull toward blankets and the couch.
Holly it is so good you are aware of this pattern. I am sure that is the first step in healing it. I’m also sure that your family now will want the fun type 1 you! It’s so easy to lay the patterns of the past onto present situations. I have done that for years with my partner until I realized he really likes the type 1 me. Thank you for replying to my post and giving me a reminder of how it feels when we hide our true self – so draining.
So many aha moments… One of my previous part time jobs required me to host office events in which I was required to be outgoing, interacting with all the clients/patients coming into the office – sometimes 5 or 6 at a time. I used my secondary 1 energy a lot in these situations. I enjoyed planning the details of these events (I’m a T2, S2) but after the event, I would be so completely mentally exhausted. Each subsequent event seemed to take more and more energy to plan and execute. I have noticed that since I left this job in June, I am so much more at peace and didn’t really realize it initially. My current job enables me to work from home at times and my interactions with clients are on a one on one basis – which is where I seem to function best. Family interactions are another instance of sometimes reverting to my secondary rather than honoring my T2 nature. Now that I am aware, I find myself making different choices sometimes with respect to certain family activities.
What about when you’re a double introvert? I guess it’s hard for me to know which energy is taking over versus which is my natural energy since I’m on the quiet side either way. You said that if you’re not in your energy you would be more mental about things and thinking about how you should act or what to say and thinking about your behaviour after. However, wouldn’t both 2/4 and 4/2 naturally think about conversations after they happened, go over things they said and worry about how others how others perceived them?
Great question. The difference would be for a secondary Type 2 going in to a state of over emotionalizing it, vs. a Type 4 which would look like over intellectualizing it.
Okay, I think I get what you mean. I tend to be hyper aware in a conversation and take on too much responsibility for what the other person needs to hear. I’ll feel unsettled in my body and feel like I need to do or say something to fix that. I will think about if I should I say something to them, what I should say, etc. and after I’ll analyze the conversation and feel awkward and judge what I said or if I didn’t say something I’ll feel guilty. This is a fairly common occurrence actually. I also have chronic pain which I feel might be related to what you mentioned in the video about “dis-ease” being created in the body. So, it seems like maybe my secondary energy is taking over quite a bit. Do you think this sounds more like a T2 with a S4 taking over?
How can I tell if I am over emotionalizing or over intellectualizing? I honestly can’t tell the difference. If I have emotions about something of course I will think about it, but if I think about something long enough then I will start to have emotions about it.
I need to figure out my triggers/be aware, but man, I’ve been living in my S2 energy for the past couple of months and it has been so hard! I didn’t even know what was going on. I love how the timing of this video worked out for me. I am now back to my T3 self! 🙂
Yeah! We are happy that you are able to use the video tools in Lifestyle to support you!
My husband and I went on a tour for 9 days with a group of people who we’d never met. I wanted to connect and make friends and was happy to be myself with and get to know people. As time went on I noticed that cliques were forming… groups were being together by choice when there was free time. They would plan to have a meal or go shopping or go to a museum. I noticed that on several occasions we had not been included and started becoming self conscious. I withdrew and became critical of myself and of them. I think my secondary took over. By the end of the trip we invited a couple we liked who were also not included in the cliques to do something with us and we had a great time!
Thank you for this information. I typed myself as a 2 and live with that for 6 months. I was confused if it was really me or a product of my upbringing, as Carol has suggested at times. In the summer I switched to T3 because I like the colours better for summer. It felt lighter and happier, but never had an aha about it. Now, watching this video, I am realizing how much I protected my self and hid the real me away from everyone. I will be more cognizant of my reactions with the info in this video. I’m 62 now and still wondering what I will be when I grow up.
LOL, I so understand what you are saying! I have typed myself as a T2 – but am somewhat unsure if that is more a product of upbringing (I’m 53). Whether looking at facial features or behavior/feelings I feel like a hybrid of the two and don’t fully belong to either. Ugh. Seems silly when the energies are different – inward vs outward, that I would be so conflicted. Hopefully you and I figure out what we will be when we grow up!
My secondary 2 comes forward when I am around my father. Now I do love my father, however around him, I am even quieter, and I tend to agree with him to make him happy. I tend to wear less bold colours around my family (I will bring my bold lipsticks to school) because they dislike them and will make fun of the colour, or state how much they hate it. I will avoid arguments to keep the peace, which means I end up agreeing again with people.
Linda, Great question! It’s really made my eyes open! I originally thought I was a type 2 secondary 4, living my life in this way has been exhausting and overwhelming. I know now that I am a type 1 secondary 2 followed closely by my 4 energy. At home my energies seem to work together and support each other, most of the time! But at work trying to be the creative, detailed perfectionist constantly is exhausting! I work in a special school and possibly it was my school years that had the greatest impact on my natural energy type and still does! Not wanting to appear foolish, trying to please the teacher and fit in with my peers was a way I tried to protect myself. I never felt clever enough as I saw things in a very different way, so keeping my ideas to myself, pushing and perfecting became a way of life. My family however have always valued me and see me, I guess I struggled seeing me when I was so busy trying to fit in and feel accepted outside of my family. This is an epiphany for me. I want to know more, I feel it will help me let go and move on.
I definitely switch to my secondary around most of my sisters. I noticed it as I was around my friends and preparing to visit my family. Fear and dread started kicking in and I could see how different and confident I was around my friends versus how horrible it was to be around my sisters. I try to be myself around my family now, but most of my sisters can’t handle it so I stay away from them.
The one place I really feel myself (T1) is when I’m singing with a group at the hospice center twice a month. I LOVE IT! People truly appreciate my light, animated energy. I am so happy when I sing that it makes everyone feel better even in their grief. I’m not trying to fix or change anyone. I’m just being me.
Mostly, I hang out in my S4 and feel shut down, even at home. I’ve modified myself to fit my T4/1 hubby. He appreciates my lightness, but I tone it down for him. I avoid family situations. I feel cautious in groups and feel anxious that I’ll be labelled negatively. I have been picked on by lecturers when I sat in front and asked questions. I wanted to make sure I understood the material, but they responded with an answer and an extra comment about me or my behavior, when they didn’t do the same to others. I’m not the only one that noticed that either. It’s been strange. Now, I wonder if it’s another energy type trying to be funny, light, or whatever to match my energy and it just comes off as weird. hmmm. (sigh) That possibility may help me to let that go.
Anyway, I’m going to do the “I Don’t Like My T1” clearing every day for a while.
I’m a type 1 and I find I’m most myself when I’m around people who are fun and silly or when I’m in a fun situation. People who are too serious seem to drain me. I realized that all my favorite people in my life are ones I can laugh with. When I’m with more serious people I am completely my secondary 2. I end up being the person who listens to everyone’s problems but I just end up tired and depressed. I’m also less likely to be myself when I’m around judgmental and critical people. Then I go into my tertiary 4, probably as a defense mechanism.
I’m a T2/1 so it’s pretty easy for me to go to my secondary in social situations. It wasn’t until DYT/LYT that I realized how much I was living in my secondary and tertiary. My dominant T2 was pretty harshly judged. Recently I’ve begun to see situations and enviroments where I don’t lead with my dominant and I started to take a look at those. When I visit with my family – both my husband’s and my own – I recognize a much, much higher energy with a lot of the family members. And that often translate into a much louder, higher energy gathering. For years and years I have always brought some kind of knitting or needlework with me to family gatherings. I knew it was such a comfort for me – I jokingly likened it to the ‘cocktail in hand’ that gives so many confidence at a party. I would say “oh I like to keep my hands busy”.
But I realized recently that it actually is a socially acceptable way for me to withdraw a bit from the noise and energy that can utterly exhaust me if I stay in it too long. And it is indeed a comfortable place for me. I’ve also given myself permission when I’m going to be somewhere for a length of time, to retreat physically a bit. I’ll find a quieter room or corner and yes, knit lol. It’s calming and restorative for me. Doing this at first triggered a memory from childhood when I would naturally leave a gathering for a bit and find a quiet place. And I was criticized for it as being impolite. My T2ness has been judged as lazy, thoughtless, too sensitive, etc for a good part of my life. And eventually I owned those voices in my head and kept playing them.
I’m now seeing and addressing how I respond and feel in business situations. And I’ve been learning how to remain in my dominant energy while using all my energies to create the business environment and results I aspire to. It is such a T4-dominant world out there in any kind of business, but I think that will slowly be changing as we all learn and honor our true natures.
While dressing as a T2, doing my hair and makeup as a T2 is so visible, some of the most remarkable and significant changes have actually been ‘invisible’ in how I think and see myself and love and accept my true self. Such a huge blessing that I am grateful for everyday <3
I feel like I default to my secondary (T1/S3) when I’m teaching high school. I teach both elementary and high school, but definitely need more of the push when I teach high school. I prefer to live in my 1, but the 3 allows me to push and stand my ground when those teenagers push my buttons! But I definitely feel the drain after class is over.
I’m having such trouble with this. I really need some help sorting it all out. I think I’m a 3/2 but there are times when I am totally exhausted. I’ve tried to reach out on the Lifestyle FB page but no matter how i ask I get censured. Other people post about getting help or hints from Carol…I’m so depressed and frustrated by the whole thing I almost wish I had never heard of energy profiling at all. 🙁
I had to “hide” most of my childhood (ages 5-12) due to sexual abuse..I was a loud, always doing something kid before that…looking at pics ,the few I have, shows a sad withdrawn girl…I believe i am a T3S4, and the 4 saved me most of my life. I am embracing the kid in me again at 63, just wanted to thank you for this video
I am a type 4 with probably secondary 3. I feel most myself when I’m on my own or with my husband and daughter. Or when I’m doing writing and editing, thinking, learning, having deep discussions.
I feel most unlike myself when I have a lot to do- I get into a type 3 mode and rush around, getting exhausted. I’m trying to change this to moving slowly and steadily to get things done, not doing it all at once. A tortoise not a hare.
I also feel unlike myself when I am trying to make friends. I used to think I had to be fun, extrovert, the life and soul of the party to make friends. Then I realised this is too tiring and inauthentic so I started being myself. Some people actually like quiet introverts and that’s what I am.